sick

oy. I have a brutal cold.  super sore throat and tired, and today I woke up with no voice and had to cancel my clients by text.  don't you just love having to cancel $300 worth of work?  sometimes i try to imagine what it would be like to work in a field where i had sick days or vacation days where i got paid anyways.  sort of like living in a world where i didn't have to pay an additional 15% in self employment taxes above the traditional income tax... impossible to imagine but fun to dream about.  but then i suppose i would have to work much longer hours for less money, and follow a set schedule, and deal with annoying boss people... so i guess everyone has their drawbacks and bonuses at their job, and the grass really isn't always greener, eh?

Sarah, wow, i didn't realize that you are considered high risk, although i did know that you were undergoing extensive fertility treatment to conceive.  That is good that you have such a close relationship with your ob, it think that is really what matters.  Especially since you have such extensive needs in prenatal care, and i am so glad you have a person you trust and respect.  I know you will do great and i am so happy for you that you have your "gift baby", and especially that we are pregnant together again!

For me, my experience with Ava was so frustrating because i was treated as high risk because of having gestational diabetes, but not given support or extra care really.... just given extra protocols and stern warnings about terrible possible outcomes like macrosomia and babies with diabetic shock and birth defects and shoulders too wide to be delivered.  My ob was an absolute prick in brooklyn, and his female partner was no better, he literally introduced himself to me as Dr. so and so but to matthew with his first name.  AWESOME.  They made me have 3x per week non stress tests for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and almost induced me because they were positive that they didn't see enough amniotic fluid in my 37th week.  The whole thing was infused with this sense of domination and panic, and i never got the sense from them ever that they cared at all about me personally.  Frankly, it seemed as though they only knew my name because they read it off their chart before coming in the door.  Then of course, I went into labor naturally, had a great labor with no complications (other than the nurses who kept trying to get me to lay on my back with a monitor on) and delivered a perfect 7lb 9oz baby girl.  So what was all the fricking fuss about?

Because i was brought up in a medical family, with a father who literally gave his very heart and soul to his practice and his patients, the idea of a doctor who doesn't really care for his patients is unholy to me.  If i had a doctor who i trusted to have my best interest at heart i wouldn't care so much about hospitals and tests.  But sadly those are few and far between these days, especially in urban areas.  Luckily, I found a midwife who i adore.  She is funny and kind and smart and she encourages me to listen to my instincts and my own abilities.  Because the truth is that i don't believe i am high risk, GD or not.  I feel ok about monitoring it myself and i feel good in the knowledge that my belief system is such that no matter what happens I will be ok, because i do truly believe that what happens is what is meant to happen.  Good or bad, happy or sad my karma is my karma.  I guess my pregnancy this time is about doing it my way.

love you all

happy halloween

MaryStarr