To post or not to post......

31st -- Gosh, time flies !!!

and can you believe it, Cedrik was walking at x-mas ? 10 months and 3 weeks old ?

Now, Gosh, where to start...
Firstly, I shared with you gals, in need. I am pleased with all your support. Thank you. Which is why I felt comfortable sharing in the first place, event though, in the past, when sharing, someone wrote back some pretty hurtful things...
In the time of need, I felt kicked while I was down.

I had stopped sharing.

I felt comfortable again, as I didn't think this person had joined our new and improved look and board !!!

But this is TWICE --- Michelle, I have never stepped over the line and called your husband names, insinuated behavior patterns, or accused him of anything
...even though you also shared some pretty difficult moments you were having with him...
I don't think you should be giving out any marital advice actually.

Hurt me once, shame on you
Hurt me twice, shame on me

I can sense that you mean me well, but I don't approve of the paths you took nor words chosen

Gen xxx

Gen, are you there?

Hey girl... just wondering how you're doing and missing you.  Please check in and say hi?  I have a feeling you might feel awkward or upset about what Michelle wrote to you, and if so I just want you to know that you should always feel comfortable being here no matter what... this place is your place too.  I know that she was really writing out of love, even if it came off pretty harsh, but if it upset you please don't let it drive you away... We love you and need you here, friend.

Maybe I am imagining it, and if so, just ignore me.  You know I never can mind my own business ;p

xoxoxo

MaryStarr

Christmas

We had a pleasant Christmas. We opened presents in the morning and then took the kids sledding. We went to a friends house for supper and just had a nice, simple day.

Photos

Ok, so much did I love Reena and Maigan's posts that I had to share some of my own... Matt and I bought ourselves a new digital slr camera for christmas instead of exchanging gifts... and Matt has become a regular Ansel Adams with the picture taking.  I myself have not taken the time to realy figure the camera out yet, but luckily daddy is getting to be a pro.  Which is nice actually, because usually I am the picture taker and hence we have not many pictures of mama.

Here is our Tree on christmas eve after santa came

Here is bunny and her list for santa

Here is my belly back on the 11th, which would have been almost 17 weeks... please excuse the no bra pointy nips look

Here is Bunny in one of Daddy's new master shots

Here is the pregnant lady and the bunny dancing

here is bunny as Ed Grimly, looking for Pat Sajak

here is Ava's new masterpiece

love you all... MaryStarr

Let it snow...and snow...and snow!!!

It's official...we have broken the record for most recorded snowfall in the month of December in recorded history...the official count in this mornings newspaper is 59.7"...nearly 5 feet of snow. I don't know what the deal is with the picture being so small...but that is one days worth of accumulation on our back deck. It's insane.

We made it thru Christmas...despite the snow. The girls had a great time opening presents and spending time with the grandparents!! Eli and I didn't exchange gifts this year, but had a lot of fun watching the kiddos. We opened presents at home on Christmas morning then headed to my MIL's house in the afternoon...then off to my parents house for dinner. There was a lot of eating going on!! Here are some pictures....

This is at Eli's mom's house on Christmas day. She made us a delicious late breakfast and then we went sledding with my BIL and his family....

This one was actually the weekend before Christmas...Allie was home sick with a snot face so she didn't get to go, but Lizzy was quite the little princess in her fancy dress and glitter shoes...

This is sledding Christmas day with my nephew...

This is actually from this past weekend...after the sledding on Christmas we realized our sled was a piece of junk so we went to Costco and got this fancy new ride...Lizzy likes it because it has lava on it...Allie just thought it was cool to lay on....

Back to Christmas morning at our house...Lizzy got the 3D version of Shark Boy and Lava Girl so the girls were wearing the glasses around the house...it was funny.

Hope everyone survived the holiday season...I guess it's not quite over yet, but almost. I am a little irritated because one of my co-workers is getting married on New Year's Eve...I think that's a very bad time to have a wedding, and I hate the thought of bringing in the new year with the people I work with, but I have little choice. It's not like I would have gone out to a party or something, but that's not the point.

Hope you had a lovely Christmas!

Make a Smilebox greeting

19 weeks now

And doing well.  Weighed myself yesterday and I have gained 9 pounds so far, so I am feeling ok about that.  Although, we had cheesecake for dessert last night after our belated christmas dinner, so I may have gained another nine while I slept... lol.

Matt had to go in to work on christmas day at 1pm to serve a banquet to the Boston celtics (PUNKS) who were in town to play the golden state warriors friday.  SO we had a big celebration early in the morning with presents and stockings and a big Irish Breakfast.  Then after he went in Ava and I went to an afternoon carol service at Grace Cathedral which was beautiful and fun for me because singing hymns is probably my biggest childhood association with christmas.  The service was all hymn singing and they read poetry in beteween... ee cummings and elizabeth barrett browning and others.  Super nice.

We had a dinner last night, my sister and her husband came over.  It was actually nice to split it up like that, so I think we will make that our tradition... although ideally Matt can stay with us on christmas day and not go cook for basketball players (PUNKS).

Sorry your christmas was such a bummer Kri.  How about everyone else?

xoxo

MaryStarr

tis the season...

well, our christmas sucked too. first off, half of our presents were wrong (two left shoes, broken toy; guy at best buy gave me a computor monitor rather than the flat screen i paid for, etc). also, my mom just got out of the hospital on x-mas eve after a bout with pneumonia and 8 day stay only to go to the ER xmas day with severe abdominal cramping. so i spent seven hours in the ER until they admitted my mom. then had to deal with the chaos of trying to find sitters for girls since dan and i work fri and sat. could only find a sitter for sat so i had to call off today. but this also means that i can't go to the last Saints game or tailgating party.
there has been more but you guys can probably sense the general sucky-ness of the last week. oy vey, i need a vacation........
yeah right
kri

Snow, Snow and then more Snow

I'm not sure if you guys know or not but our area with hit with a snow storm that is quite unusual. In the 15 years or so of living in this area I've never seen so much snow. We have about a foot or so. Well the first day it snowed I went outside to take pictures. I did not plan on being out long so I popped on my crocs and headed out. No skidding or sliding so I thought I was safe. What I did not think about was the ice under the snow. On my way back to the house I slid on some ice and fell on top of my ankle. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. Then I had to walk back to the house. Hurting myself was nothing compared to having to go up stairs. I almost passed out from the pain. I eventually went to the ER the next day. (my dad helped me with the boys all day while Tim was at work and was unable to leave) I sprained my ankle good, no fractures or breaks. However I have not had too much time to just sit back and be pampered you see; when it snows like this the security for the hospital (where Tim works) becomes transport for the hospital. They have to go and pick up people for work that can not drive in and occasionally take a patient home. So I've lost him to the snow. In the meantime it sucks having a sprained ankle. But I can put some weight on it now without screaming. I took some pictures of the boys in the snow. I hope you guys are having a better Christmas break than I am!

christmas pictures

Merry Christmas everyone....here are a couple pics from Christmas at my moms. (we did early christmas yesterday, because of the travel, etc)
The first picture is of me and my sister....
:)

still here...

i just got off of five straight shifts so i have been MIA from here...and my life this week. gotta finish x-mas shopping tomorrow and monday because i work all next week (except christmas day) so it's crunch time.
good lord, avery is screaming...
much love
kri

awfully quiet in here

Hi gals...

how is everyone doing?  I know it is almost christmas but let's not forget to check in and say hi... I miss you all.

big hugs

MaryStarr

Hey

Hey Ladies,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I started a new job last week. I work at a temporary staffing agency that supplies blue collar work. I send people out to the job sites, pay them when they get back, handle new applications, etc.

I will try to catch up and post more later. In case I don't, have a great holiday season.

Amy

no worries

Hi Michelle,

so good to have you back.  I am not offended about the terrorism issue, but I'd like to clarify for you that I do not believe that America is "to blame" for the terrorism in mumbai.  I think you misunderstand me.  I meant to express to Reena that I understand her feeling as though our foreign policy, which has destabilized the middle east, has endangered others.  And while I don't totally agree with her that the attacks in Mumbai were just because of Iraq, I wanted her to know that many people here are as frustrated by the issue as she is.  Frankly, terrorism out of Pakistan is related to many factors... India and Pakistan's serious disagreements over the past 20 years, our refusal to engage Pakistan in diplomatic negotiations to insist on them cleaning up their act, and yes, the war in Iraq diverting resources from us finding Osama Bin Laden and breaking up Al Quaeda in Afghanistan and now Pakistan.

I also have friends in Afghanistan and Iraq.  And I concur about terrorists being their own devils, not devils we made.  My point is that our government has not made us safer abroad with their response to terrorism, they have made us less safe and this is partly an example of that.

Hope that helps..

xoxo

MaryStarr

Gen...

I just wanted to say that I just read Michelle's comment...I fully agree with her comments about Bruno...I definately thing something is suspect...you need to put your foot down Gen.

Also...that story about the woman and her baby might be the most disturbing thing I have ever heard...I think about myself being in that situation and I am filled with pain and deep deep sorrow for that woman. I pray that she is in a better place with her baby.

We live in a sick, cruel world.

Morning Ladies

I only have 5 mintues becuase the office is almost open, but I wanted to pop in and say hi...it's been mind-numbing cold here...not quite as bad as it was when I lived in North Dakota, but close. They are saying the wind chill has been around -30 and the ambient temp this morning was 3. Not fun. To top it all off, Eli has been in California for three weeks, so I have been holding down the fort on my own. I am not good at being a single mom of two small princesses. They are very demanding. I will be able to go back thru and respond to posts probably tomorrow morning, but I can't make any promises.

Compliance is in our office today, and I have my yearly review with my district manager...I'm sure it will be a very lovely day...much much sarcasm in that comment.

I love you all!!!

Maigan

hello ladies...

i have finally caught up and read all of the posts. i find that it is hard to sit down and reply since i am working a lot and trying to fit in christmas shopping on my few days off. i guess that is my way of apologizing for a quickie post and (most likely) not replying to everyone.
gen-oh my darling, i hope things get better with you. dan and i hit a serious shit patch post-Katrina and almost didn't make it. somehow it is different when a relationship hits a sour note when you have kids. the rules are different and there are more than two people involved, ultimately. big hugs and lots of love.
sarah- how are you all doing ?
keli- is scott still being a shit ? you know you can always pack up the girls and drive my way for a little break ! i am pretty sure that we are the closest two in location. if you bring the music, i'll supply the drinks
marystarr- you must be the cutest pregnant pilates instructer ever.
reena- keep us posted on your thyroid. synthroid is a very good medication

damn- i am sure that i am forgetting tons but it is getting time for bed. got to get up at 4am for work. i am printing up some x-mas cards for the girls that i want to send out so if you could please send me your addresses. i am sure that i have everyone's but i want confirmation anyway :) i'm pretty type-A like that....

love and kisses and hugs
kri
krikelley@excite.com

update

I saw my doctor again Tuesday. He had all the test results in. The genetic and autopsy tests were all normal. He has labeled this a "cord accident", meaning that something happened to the umbilical cord, be it a knot or a kink or something freaky, that caused the loss of Andrew.

If we are ever succesful in pregnancy again, I will be monitored more than usual.

It's just one of those odd things that happens in like 1:1000 pregnancies. I just wish it hadn't been mine!

Love to all!

sarah

hello

hi gals

Michelle just emailed me to say she couldn't post, so i invited her again and hopefully now she will be joining us shortly.  I miss her lots and lots.  So I can't wait to hear how she and her beautiful family are all doing...

Reena it's no big deal for me to dance during pregnancy.  I am a professional dancer, and I have done it essentially everyday since I was 11 years old.  I didn't dance while I was pregnant with Ava only because I was too shy to go to class pregnant in New York, not because I was concerned about it being dangerous or anything.  Basically, women can continue to do their usual fitness routine throughout pregnancy as long as they are mindful of their perceived exertion level (ie: not exhausted, out of breath to the point of not being able to talk, or overheated) and remembering to drink lots of water and eat enough to have appropriate weight gain.  So women marathoners run, skiers ski, skaters skate and dancers dance.  And especially for me, because I have gestational diabetes, exercise is very important to my health and baby's health during pregnancy.  I have to control my blood sugar with exercise and diet because I don't want to take insulin.

I just ordered cloth diapers for baby (who I have nicknamed Rerun, btw).  Check em out:

http://stores.ebay.com/Coolababy2008

I got the 12 coolababy all in ones w/ 24 inserts, multi colors  and the 16 fleece all in ones in yellow and white stripes.  Wicked cute and super easy!

ok,

love you all

MaryStarr

Guess Who??

Hey everyone! I know its been a long time, but I'm going to jump right in.

First Sarah, I am so sorry about your loss. I hope the love and prayers from your friends and family has been helping you get through this.

Reena, I am also sorry your country was attacked by terrorists. But I disagree with you and MaryStarr implying that is is America's fault. Terrorists have attacked multiple countries and we are the country that started trying to stop them. Of course Bush is an ass who tried to incorporate our oil war into the terrorist war. But the terrorists that live in caves in Pakistan and shoot rockets at my friends in Afghanistan have no value for human life, and have twisted views on right and wrong. My military friend saw an Iraqi woman chained to a wall, with her breasts cut off, her baby in her arms. Both had to starve to death, and she had to watch her baby go first, unable to feed her. They program their children to kill other people. They brain wash people to be suicide bombers. The world needs to work together to stop terrorists.

Not to mention India has been at war off and on with Pakistan over Kashmir over the past 20 years. That could also be fuel added to the fire, not just us Americans.

And Gen, I am sorry that you are going through hard times with Bruno. Why won't you leave him? I am big on trying to work out marriages, but he is an asshole, and a liar. He does NOT have a woman friend. He thinks by telling you about her, saying she's married, somehow justifies his affair. But he is having one, whether you allow yourself to see it or not. I first suspected him of being capable when he wouldn't have sex with you for a year, but this is another step. Its almost like he is trying to tell you but you won't listen. Camping? Dinner at your house when you're gone? No. Those are not allowed when you are married. A lunch here and there is acceptable, a double date with you and her husband is allowed, but I draw the line at over night stays. (Camping and the dinner night--why was he late to the wedding?) I hope you will too. Maybe his month off will help, but if he wants to work things out with you he has to be kept on a short leash. He needs to allow you to call the shots. And he must stop his "friendship" with this other woman. He has a lot to proove if he wants to stay. And you are right on about your kids learning to be abusive from him. Don't allow that to happen! Oh, and the whole weight loss and exercising is another huge sign that he is trying to impress someone. Stop letting him manipulate you so you can enjoy your life. You need and deserve so much more than he is giving you. And, you and he should probably both get checked out for STD's. Who knows how many men she's cheated on her husband with, and unfortunately the same goes for Bruno.

Sorry for just barging in here after so long and flapping my mouth in the way that I did. I know I was bitchy and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I was shocked at some of the things I read! I also know your marriage Gen is none of my business, but despite my absence I care about you and want you to be happy. It is my opinion, and you don't have to take it as advice if you don't want to and I am not trying to attack you in any way. In my own way, I am trying to help give you the strength to do what is going to be hard for you. Your future is what you make of it, and I know you can have a blissful future when this hard time passes.

I know I missed some updates, but I hope everyone is healthy. I'll update more on what I've been up to later.

~Michelle

Where is everyone?

Almost like, when I decided to write, everybody else disappeared. :)

Marystarr, that's pretty brave to continue dancing during pregnancy. I did see some pictures on facebook, very nice :)

Lisa had a fall on Sunday and she split her chin, got 8 stitches! Tomorrow we go back to get the sutures removed. Needless to say that I almost lost my mind.

I had to get some retests, haven't started any medication for the hypothyroidism because the reports are not conclusive enough. I have to wait another 6 weeks. I haven't had issues with my weight, I even lost around 5 pounds recently so who knows.
But surely the acne on my right cheek is still a mystery, and I have to wait for 4 cycles of medication to see any results, just finished 2.
Here is a picture of my classmates from school, we go back to almost 2 decades and met up recently. Me-3rd from the left.

ok ok ok FINE. I'll write something...

yeesh y'all are quiet.  Ho hum.

Gen, beeyootiful christening pictures.  What a charming little man your Cedrik is growing up to be.  How's it going with Bruno and the whole month off business?

Sarah, much love to you.  Only you will know when you are ready.  Take care of your body and your heart, dear one.

All of a sudden it's been busy around here.  My business had been super slow, what with the one two punch of the economy taking a crapper and the holidays arriving... so several of my clients literally lost everything they had and are scrambling to sell their vacation homes, etc and finding themselves to poor for pilates.  The others have done the classic "wow, I am so busy for the rest of this month with the holidays and everything... why don't i just call you in January?"  As a general rule people will take ANY excuse not to exercise.  So I was really feeling it hard.  But somehow this week Things picked up and now I am super busy.  An old client came back, plus I got a new referral for a housecall client that wants me to come to her house 4 to 8 hours a week.  Thank heavens.  So that's why I have been quiet.

Also, my dance teacher is back from tour and I have had class, which is great because dancing feels really good and makes me less crazy and obsessive about my body.  When I am training I am much more peaceful and grounded and less of a constant critic of myself.  And interestingly enough, now that my belly is really starting to grow dancing feels AWESOME.  I am much more in tune with the experience of it, physically and energetically.  Usually I am so focused on performing well and executing that I forget to enjoy it completely.  This is nice.  I hope I can take it with me after the pregnancy is over so that I have grown as a dancer this year... even if it isn't my biggest year for technical achievements.  It is a good time to work on subtle energies, details, nuance.  Mmmmmmmmmm.  Yummy.

How are you all?  I miss Michelle.  Michelle, can you hear me?  Where are you friend?

xoxo

MaryStarr

Erika & Santa + one of Cedrik's Christening picture

Hi

Sarah, please remember always that you are in my prayers. I don't think I can say anything that is even comforting right now, but hope you get your strength back physically and emotionally.

Well, with the bomb blasts in Mumbai, the people are really angry and forced several ministers to resign. There are elections coming up in 5 months and we are pretty sure that the current govt. is not going to stay in power.
Here is a story of a brave nanny who saved the life of a Jewish toddler:

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/12/02/moshe.mumbai/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
Obama has a tough job ahead of him, but at least we know that the foreign policies are heading for a change and that gives the rest of the world some hope.

Sarah, My thoughts and prayers are still with you.

It is going to be a busy week. Vivian is having friends from school over to decorate gingerbread houses so I have to bake and assemble those. Then there are cupcakes and pumpkin bread to make for the tea party they will have after they are done decorating houses (I still do not understand the appeal of a tea party to little girls, I never was very girly and didn't get into that sort of thing). Ron is going to take the boys out to make my life easier and 1 of the moms asked if I would like her to stay and help.

update

So today I saw my OB/GYN for a post op check up.
The results from the autopsy were negative for any defects. That was both reassuring and disheartening. He believes there was a "cord accident". Genetic testing is still pending, but with the autopsy showing nothing unusual, likely it won't either.

He has given us the go ahead to try again after the first of the year, or after 2cycles. Either way, we are going to see how we are doing emotionally and if I am ready.

Chris is doing much better than I am. Emotionally I know he is gone, and that no baby can replace him, but it's just hard. I can say that I am doing better this week than last, so that is some progress.

Hugs to all, you are my girls, my love!

sarah

Terrorists

Reena...never feel bad about expressing your feelings here...after this much time together I can't imagine anyone thinking any less of one of us for speaking our mind!! We are all thinking about the terrorist attacks and I know that we are all thinking the same thing as you right now!!!

We all love you and hope and pray you stay safe!!

Maigan

I'm with you too, Reena

This thing in Mumbai is awful.  And even though we americans who have always opposed this dishonest and needless war in Iraq are finally able to hope that there is an end in sight, everyone here knows where situations like the one in Mumbai come from.  That is why all the americans in 2004 who said they felt "safer" because of the war on terror made the rest of us want to tear out our hair in frustration.  Unfortunately there are many people here who never leave the states and don't realize what a dangerous place our foreign policy has made the world, both for ourselves and for others.  I truly hope that the Obama administration can help educate americans a bit about what it means to be citizens of the world, and can usher in a new era of americans participating in global communication, not just bowling over others and demanding to always get our own way.

Glad everyone had a nice thanksgiving, terrorists notwithstanding.  BTW, on wednesday I had to explain to Ava what a terrorist is because we were listening to NPR in the car when the Mumbai attacks came on the air.  Interesting times to be a parent, eh?

xoxo

big love to you all

ps: speaking of big love, i saw the actress who plays barb on that show, Jeanne Tripplehorn, at the playground this morning.  She was rocking big old sunglasses, naturally, but it was obviously her.  Im not sure if she lives here or was up visiting from LA or something.... pretty cool anyhow!

Just inn case someone has a use for this

http://enews.potterybarn.com/servlet/website/ResponseForm?iIEVTTB-UU-VC_w8_yLmHps_9hNihg_OV_97uEOLkRmHssWFRHohhDJH

Thankful

I'm thankful for caring friends and loving family.

Reena, I know how you feel. I think this is a thoughtless selfish war and that occasionally people can be the same. I remember how the French got ridiculed and "shunned" when they would not go to war with us (remember freedom fries?). I tried to explain to people that them going to war had far greater repercussions for their country than ours.

Reena, Big hugs to you. I do not blame you for being upset.

I am thankful for my family.

thankful

We had famiy thanksgiving yesterday.
Even with all the grief and tears, I am thankful we had Andrew for the few short months that we did. He is our Angel. I miss him so much.

Gen- I took the picture down, because a friend of mine suggested that it could be copied from our blog and used in not-so-nice ways on the internet.
If anyone wants to see his picture- email me and I'll send it to you.
sarahholcombe@gmail.com

I am thankful to have all of you girls here with me as well.

all my love,
sarah

Why I'm thankful!

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving here but right now I'm just thankful for the gift of life.

I guess you probably know by now that Mumbai (a city in Western India) is under siege by terrorists. More than 100 people have lost their lives, whole families have disappeared. The terrorists were looking for anyone holding American and British passports, in the process killing many Indians! Though I'm angry at our govt. for not protecting us, I see it as nothing but repercussions of the stupid and thoughtless war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Does anybody think before taking decisions like this, that there is a whole world out there who are affected by decisions taken by some mindless and heartless politicians. I hate to say all this to an American audience but I'm saying it because I'm frustrated, not with you or anybody else but with my own helplessness and also at the thought that we might be next.

We are a free country but now this is a new struggle for freedom from terror.
http://ibnlive.in.com/

US vs Canadian Thanksgiving

Ours was a few weeks ago....

I was thankful for my health, my kids and their health....
and my wonderful friends who help me along my *sigh* journey !!!

Gen xxx

thank you

hi friends

today i am thankful for many blessings, but i am certainly very thankful for you all and your incredible friendship.  i love you all.  happy thanksgiving!

xoxoxo

MaryStarr

Sarah~ Your family is in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your precious angel with us.....your strength amazes me. We love you!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING LADIES!!!

Keli

Oh Sarah

I'm so sorry..... my problems look far less now....

I am so sorry for your loss... Many hugs and kisses going to you, and your family, and to Andrew of course. You are all in my thoughts, and prayers. Where is his picture ? I was able to view it a few days ago..... Sorry I didn't reply then, I couldn't find the words... Not that I feel I have them now...

My sister is 22 weeks pregnant, and her last ultrasound's results showed-up at her Dr's office the day after her 20 week appointment. They left a message at home "please call the office so we can talk about your ultrasound reasults"
She spent a sleepless week-end, and she has to go for yet another ultrasound, as the kidneys didn't look properly developped for how far along she is.

Cedrik will be 10 months next week, and has 4 teeth.
weighs about 22 pounds.

Much love to everyone... xxx Gen

Sarah..

You and your family are in my prayers.

Sarah

Please know that you are constantly in my heart and prayers. Know that you have friends all over who are thinking of you and your family and loving you.

Bless you Sarah, you are a hero

Sister, friend, my heart goes to you more than words could possibly say.  You are so very, very brave.  I commend you for having the strength to deliver your son with dignity the way you chose, on your own terms.  I am so very grieved that you must tell him goodbye, but I know as you do that his soul has gone on to continue it's journey as god intends.  Thank you for sharing Andrew Jack with us.  My deepest love and condolences for you, for Chris, and for your entire family.

NAMASTE...

there is a place in each of us in which the entire universe dwells.

it is a place of light

it is a place of love

it is a place of peace.

when I am in this place in me, and you are in this place in you

we are ONE.

Namaste, Sarah.  

Om Shanti.

MaryStarr

Picture of Andrew Jack, our Angel Baby

First, let me say, thank you ladies for your kind words of encouragement. These past 4 days have been the worst in my entire life.
On Thursday, November 20th,2008, our angel, Andrew Jack, was born. We decided that a standard delivery was most appropriate, as I did not want them to chop him him during a D&C. We wanted him whole. We wanted to hold him, to have him blessed and dedicated, and to say our goodbyes. The doctor admitted me to the hospital Tuesday night, the day we found out. I was started on medications (cytotec) to induce labor. Just after midnight, early Thursday morning, I started experiencing horrific pains, cramps, and contractions. The nurse encouraged me to have an epidural. I did, and was able to rest for about 2 hours more, when I was wakened by the feeling of blood on my leg. I called the nurse, she checked me, said I was dilated to 4cm (that's as far as I had to dilate to deliver him) and called the doctor. When she called the doctor, Chris called our pastor. They arrived at about the same time. I delivered Andrew Jack, then started to hemorrhage, and was rushed to the OR for a D&C (post delivery). The placenta had decided to not detach, so the doctor removed it. I requested to please not be "drugged" during the D&C, knowing that afterward, they would bring him to us and I didn't want to be "foggy". Really- I did want to be foggy- but I knew that it would be better for me to experience and remember everything.
Chris was an amazing support during everything. He was by my side nonstop. He cried with me, held me, told me it was ok. We grieved the loss of our baby. We are still grieving the loss.
I am attaching a picture of Andrew Jack. Please know that even though he looks small, he is beautiful in our eyes. He was about 16 1/2 weeks gestation. We do not know the cause of his demise, but are awaiting autopsy and genetic testing results. From the general appearance of him, nothing looks out of the ordinary.
He looks just like Chris, with Riley's nose.
He is our baby, he is in Heaven, we love him and miss him more than words can say.

all my love,
sarah

sunshine

has returned to my fair city after three days of bitter, damp, foggy, bone chilling cold.  I am feeling much more cheerful because of it.  I weighed myself yesterday and I have gained exactly 5 pounds in my first trimester (this weekend is the beginning of my second trimester, as I will be 14 weeks on sunday).  It is always a struggle for me to be at peace with this part of the process.  I continue to endeavor toward acceptance and self love.  oy.

I think the main thing is that I was very, very slim when I got pregnant this time.  I lost 7 pounds in my yoga immersion in august and was at my lowest weight since I was 24 or so.  So it is just a point of reference shift that is making it a hard adjustment.  But anyways.  I sound so petty, don't i?  yeesh.  I guess we all have our demons.

Reena, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you about your ovary.  Hopefully it turns out to be a reaction to your thyroid levels or something.  Matthew is hypothyrodic, too.  He found out while I was pregnant with Ava.  He has had a lot of success with synthetic thyroid replacement.  Basically they just give you a replacement hormone for the one your body has stopped producing, and you'll feel much better.  Even probably in ways that you were unaware of feeling bad before.  Matt had a very noticeable change in his energy levels, as well as his ability to lose weight (it was impossible for him to lose weight before).  He hadn't thought he was particularly lethargic, but he noticed a big change when his hormone levels normalized.  I think everyone has very different symptoms, so perhaps you are exeriencing different ones.  I am glad that you went in and had it discovered.  Good for you.  And mucho congratulations on the job!  That is fantastic!  Go you :)

Keli, I am so glad to hear from you and so sorry to hear that things are tough with Scott.  That sucks!  It is so frustrating when people just shut down like that and won't engage with you.  No sense screaming at a brick wall.  Just take care of yourself and the girls.  I hope he snaps out of it soon.  Are you happy about being back at the wellness center?  

Gen, whew.  That is amazing about what Erika said.  But you know, our children are really good at cutting through the bullshit if you know what I mean.  Because they are absolutely loyal to us, they truly have our best interest at heart.  And they have no filter of social obligation, that is, they are not constrained in their opinions by what is perceived as being polite the way adults (particularly women) are.  I hope for you that Bruno's month off proves to be productive and clarifying for you both, whatever the resul. I hope it brings you to a new place of being able to live openly and in an environment that is healthy and loving and good for you, whether it is together or separately.  If you want to be together I hope he snaps out of it and you can feel like he is really there for you as the man you deserve.  Because you deserve much, much more darlin.

That was fun writing in color to everyone.  Ok, must go be a little productive and get some laundry in.  What is everyone doing for thanksgiving?

Sarah, today as ever you are in my thoughts.  All my love and prayers are with you and your family, sister.  Big love.

xoxo

MaryStarr

HEAD UP HIGH

NO WORRIES --- I am a confident person.... I just don't want my kids to be exposed, and my kids to learn this is what a marriage is...
Or this is ok -- the way bruno talks to me
Erika to learn it's ok to accept this from a man
and for Cedrik to learn it's ok to talk to a woman this way


Bruno announced to me this morning that he has taken the whole month of December OFF !!!

that scares me a little --- I think it will make or break our marriage...

maybe all papers will be signed in January !!!

Hi..

You look lovely in those photos Gen! And think no less of yourself, doesn't matter if you have been hissing incessantly, happens to all of us. :)

Erika has noticed

she says Bruno is not nice, not nice with me, not patient...
says she wants me to change husbands, that she doesn't want him as a dad anymore, that he can move-out....

and I keep wondering HOW IN THE WORLD DID I GET HERE ???

I'm the nicest person I KNOW !!!!

Marystarr -- cool ? Me ???? nope,
I have been hissing and scratching...
I remain quiet, and avoid conflict
but the moment he raises the tone, or gets short-fuzed
I pounce and attack -- I am a leo, ya know...

Hello...

Sarah..I really don't know what to say, truly sorry to hear about your loss. But have faith and draw strength through prayers.

All pictures are so lovely, the kids have grown so much....I've missed you all, just wish I didn't have to slog my butt off so much. But things are getting better, and have a couple of weeks before full fledged work starts again. Got promoted as the Project manager in the Research and Development dept, which is something I've waited for, for a very long time.

Otherwise, I've been diagnosed with an enlarged right ovary, which has elevated the testosterone levels in my body, which in turn has given me a couple of unwelcome acne on my right cheek, which was actually the main reason I visited the endocrinologist. It was like opening a can of worms, turns out that I have borderline hypothyroidism (the type that makes you fat, but strangely I haven't gained weight) but the doctor wants me to retest end of this month. Why my ovary is enlarged, is something I'll get to know after some more scans.

Lisa's news: She surprised me yesterday. She has learnt to add single digit numbers and she said her teachers in school taught her, I wonder how but she does know. She actually wrote 2+3=5, 5+5=10 etc etc, a whole page of it. Initially I was a little skeptical thinking she's too young but she's having a ball learning math, I guess humans are evolving everyday.

more pictures of the same day --- apple picking

cedrik & erika are so beautiful

And so are you, Mama!

So good to hear from you.  So sorry that life has been giving the ass end of the stick lately.  Big hugs for you and the kids.  That other woman sounds like an eyebrow raiser to me, I would be upset too, I think you are very justified in feeling like he should make time for you first.  Frankly, you are being much cooler about it than I think I could be.  But it still stinks!  I am sorry.

I love the picture of you and cedrik with the apple in your hand.  Magnifique.  You are lovely.  And we missed you.

xo

MaryStarr

WHY I HAVE BEEN MIA

Hello Ladies,

Firstly, my heart goes out to Sarah...

I have very quicly read posts.... and I think I am up-to-date, but I don't have the time or energy to reply to everyone...

But I will tell you this -- the last 6 months of my life have been hell...

From Bruno not taking any parental leave (on top of mothers getting 1 yr maternity leave fully paid, fathers are allowed 5 weeks) + he has taken NO vacation....

Erika goes to pre-school, and she saw all of her friends during the summer, go on vacation, cottage, lake, camping,....

She got fucking squat !!!

I have been really upset about this for Erika, and stressing the topic with Bruno

He won't hear me -- his job is demanding...

Fine

ooops, forgot, yeah, he did take Erika camping -- but he brought another woman !!!

He assures me I'm crazy to think there could be anything, she is married, and I've met her

But what bothers me is that my daugther gets to do family activities with another woman, and not with her parents

That was a week-end I had friends visiting from FRANCE and I was getting the house painted on the Monday

So Bruno helped move all the furniture, and then left with Erika

So My friends arrived, in this mess, and no Erika

They didn't stay very long, they seemed very insulted that my husband had left, with my daugther....

So Bruno did take the Monday off of that week, yeah -- so vacation time, 1 day

with another woman...

He did go meet her on a few occasion while biking with the kids, or stuff like that... Erika tells me : )

I went to my sisters wedding - Erika and I arrived the Saturday... Bruno was driving the Sunday

and I called home in the evening, Bruno tells me he invited her over for dinner,

and the next day, at the wedding, for which he arrived 40 minutes late,

he tells me

OOOOOH, anyways --- I'm not bothered that he is friends with a woman, it bothers me that he goes out of his way to do things with her, when he can't do the same for me

I'm going through some medical treatments -- and whenever I get home, he acts like I have taken for-ever....

Same with one of the ultrasounds when I was pregnant, he saw he missed a call while I was in the room, and he cursed.... for fuck's sakes...

He has lost 50 pounds, bikes excessively, gym and so on....

He is never home, and I feel very single...

I keep asking why he acts this way, and he tells me it's all in my head...

I tried to put myself under the microscope, but tonite, I was talking to a naighbour, and she was asking me if Bruno was ok... she said it herself, Bruno has lost so much weight, and is never home

He is sooooo impatient, and aggressive, he's become verbally abusive....

To a minimum, but I surely don't want my kids exposed... He has lost his temper with both kids in the last 5 days

Erika has been saying things like

Bruno thinks, but of course, that I'm brainwashing Erika.... which is absurd, as my mom tried to get me to lie to my dad - in their divorce settlement . I would NEVER do that to my child.

So that is where I am at.... The last 2 months have been him barking at me, and putting me down

I believe he is heading for another depression... and he is over-worked

Which is by all means no excuse, so I just don't talk to him, and let him be

Step-in when needed be when he is temper gets too much and the kids are around...

Voilà -- xxx Gen

Sarah, Hugs and prayers for you. I am so saddened to hear about your loss. Let us know if you need anything.

sarah-
oh sweetheart, i am so sorry. i can't imagine what you must be feeling right now but know that you are in our thoughts and hearts. we're here for you when you need us.
all my love
kri

I'm here...sort of. Scott's doing better physically but we aren't getting along at all. I don't know what's going on but he's been a royal ass lately. My BS tolerance is super low right now....I swear I'm having a early midlife crisis. Everytime i try to talk to him he shuts down....I would never let go without a fight but at the same time I'm not gonna be the only one fighting. The holidays are coming up so...I'm gonna let it sit till the new yr but then ...things are gonna have to chage. Otherwise, I'm well....went back to my old job...the nutrition & wellness center where I did cellulite treatments & pilates. Right now i'm just nursing though. Lily turned 8 last week!! Wow, that's crazy......& Ava's, well she's Ava!! lol ;p
Everyone's costumes & cakes are adorable!!!
I miss you all like crazy....need to post more.
Sarah~ I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of your family during this hard time....if you need anything, you have my email.
Happy Hump Day Ladies!! :)
xoxoxo Keli

my prayers are with you sarah

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry.  My heart is grieving with you, and I am sending you all my love and prayers.  Take care of yourself the best you can.

MaryStarr

sad news

At our routine 16 week OB appointment today, we found our baby has no heartbeat. Two weeks ago, we had a good strong heartbeat...
We grieve our loss.

please remember us in your prayers.

sarah

Marystarr, Do you have room for one more? That weather sounds absolutely wonderful. I did think of some girl names. How about Moira or Gwendolyn? It was a toss-up between those two if Theodore had been a girl.

Reena, Lisa is beautiful! Truly a stunning little girl.

Jenifer, Love the new pictures. The boys are adorable.

Thanks about the costume. I worked at a Halloween store this year. It was a lot of fun and one of the benefits was getting a free costume. The other was seeing the little kids get excited over their costumes.

On the job front, wish me luck. I think I might have found something that would be perfect. It is with a temporary staffing agency (I would be the person sending out workers to jobs). Not exactly a dream job, but the hours are great for raising kids. Every other week I would work 6 am to 11 am and the next week it would be 11 am to 6 pm. Either way I am home in time for supper and I have time either in the morning or afternoon to spend with the kids.

you should come out here , Kri

Because inexplicably it is 75 and sunny, with a nice breeze.  Everyone is cruising around in tank tops and shorts, which you never see here.  It is actually impressive any of us own some.  Last week it was high in the high 50's low 60's and foggy, the week before it was in the low 50's and pouring cats and dogs  (which it never does usually before January).  California is a funny place, it literally only rains during the "rainy season".  

So today I am officially 13 weeks pregnant.  I feel much more like my self again, less moody and irritable.  Perhaps the hormones have lessened, or perhaps I am just more accustomed to the whole idea.  What is funny about pregnancy is that even when you plan it and everything, it still takes a lot of getting used to.  It's like you can't remember how intense it is until you are pregnant.  whoa.

happy sunday ladies... love you

MaryStarr

burr....

i just don't understand it- yesterday it was in the mid70's and now it is in the 50's with a wicked breeze. way too chilly for this southern gal. burr....
i just finished getting caught up on the posts and i don't even know where to begin. maigan- i LOVED your girls costumes. bashful was one of the cutest things ever. amy- way to go sexy mama. meow. sarah and marystarr-good luck with those bebes. how do you like the name kellen ? harper ? monroe ? rhys ? you know me, i love androgenous names and last name as first name things. reena- lisa is getting so big and beautiful. keli-where are you and how is scott? jennifer- your boys are so handsome. barack obama- words cannot express what i am feeling right now. pride, joy, hope....these simply do not capture the emotions within my heart. maigan-i totally understand about your coworkers being sick and old navy being cheap (sometimes it's just the little things that can really piss you off). sarah-the cheerleader pics are adorable being words.
sorry for the stream of consiousness post. the girls are busy coloring markers all over their arms and i'm about to get them ready for their swim lessons. oy vey-motherhood can be so busy and crazy at times... :)

always
kri

Fall Crisp and Colorful

I decided to spend some time outside with Garrett and we raked leaves and we played in the pile jumping in, pretending it was a car/bus/spaceship. I had him do a couple "posed" pictures for me. After a while I went inside and realized Jaxon was not taking his nap so I brought him out to play also, I didn't get as many good pictures of him though.

Reena great to hear from you again!!

woohoo!

Hi Reena!  Lisa is so beautiful and so big and amazing.. so ice to see her and hear from you :)

Amy, you took the words right out of my mouth about the election.  I too am amazed and delighted by the possibilities this opens for our nation, and for all our children growing up.  America will never be the same as it was, and although we have many old ideas and hurdles of discrimination yet to overcome, we have come much closer to the dream of a nation of equals... for the people and by the people.

Maigan, I don't judge you for not voting :)  When I was growing up in New Hampshire (where politics is pretty much discussed in preschool) it felt like no matter what our voices would never matter, because NH was historically such a conservative state and only had a single electoral vote... which made my family feel a bit like they were banging their heads against the wall in every election.  I agree that its tough that they don't wait until the west comes in to call the election.  California though, had so many important state and local issues on the ballot that turnout was super important here. I am really excited that we passed a measure to build a high speed train between San Francisco and L.A.... totally carbon neutral and will take us to L.A. in 1 hour 45 minutes.  Crazy!  It takes 6 hours to drive 75mpf with no traffic.  I am super sad about proposition 8 though, and I can't believe my fellow citizens voted for such a shameful and discriminatory action against gay and lesbian families.  For a state like california to vote to strip american citizens of civil liberties is mortifying.  I am ashamed of my neighbors.

Tonight I ate a double cheeseburger for dinner.  I have never had a double cheeseburger before in my life...  it was ENORMOUS.  I must really be pregnant after all.... hehe

Amy- you looked super hot on halloween, and I loved your cake :)  Actually, I would love any cake at all really because i am not allowed to have cake until after this biscuit is hatched.  Arrrrrrrgh.

love to you all

MaryStarr

Hello!

Hey there mommies :) How are you all doing? It's good to have a blog which you know is not going anywhere even after several weeks. I quickly read some posts. Marystarr and Sarah- congratulations to you both and Sarah take care of yourself. Things out here just fine, been extremely busy at work and that's the reason I haven't been able to keep in touch. Here are some recent pictures of Lisa:

That's one of her as Little Red Riding Hood.

How is everybody else doing?

Maigan, I am sympethetic to your reasons for not voting. My grandmother was in tears after the 1996 election. She voted in the evening and she got in the car and turned on the radio and they were already anouncing that Clinton had been re-elected. She was upset because even though she knew her vote wouldn't have changed the outcome she felt that her vote didn't count for anything. On another note, the girls look so cute. I really love the dwarf costume.

Sarah, I think it is great that you voted no matter who it was for. I was dissapointed in 2000 when he wasn't the Republican candidate. Sorry to hear you were in the hospital. Not sure on baby names, but I recommend the site behindthename.com. Lots of history and information on names.

Marystarr, Good for you having found such a great midwife (I peaked at your other blog as well). Best of luck to you on the homebirth.

Vivian is thrilled with her costumes for this years dance recital. The studio is doing a Disney themed recital. She will have a mermaid costume and a sailor costume. She also gets a Snow White one for the father-daughter dance (optional, but Ron said he might never get the opportunity to do something like this with her again).

Politics are not for me...

Snow White & Bashful Dwarf

All I can voice about this election season is how happy I am that it is over with. I have never been involved in politics...maybe someday. I think part of my reluctance is the mere fact that my entire life I have lived in states where the President Elect has been announced before I even set foot in the voting booth. I believe that my vote really doesn't count, so I see no point in voting. I am sure that will outrage some of you, but it is what it is. I would probably vote if they re-vamped the system and allowed all voters to cast their ballots, the polls to close nation wide, then have a bit of a buffer and at that point announce a winner. As it stands, I opt out.



Halloween was fun...we hit the mall, which was a nightmare, but Lizzy had fun. I will never do mall trick or treating again...there were a million kids there all running around crazy begging for candy...it was ridiculous. Next year I am going to structure it around a party at our house or something a little less chaotic.

Hope everyone gets feeling better...it seems like colds are running rampant right now.

MaryStarr ~ I think you have made a wise choice...you know your body and what you need to do to be healthy during this pregnancy, no reason to have an asshole doctor bearing down on you every day!!!

Amy ~ You and the kids look great!!

:)

Amy,
I think you did a great job with your expression.
Personally, I voted for McCain, being raised as a conservative southern baptist girl, but I do not fault my friends who voted and won victory with Obama. (I am a little tiffed over the "race" issue though....LOL)

Overall, I am glad that we, as a group, can support each other so much, even when we don't agree. Who else can do that?????

:) As for pregnancy- I feel much better this week. Last week I landed in the hospital for fluids and potassium (I had puked every 10 minutes for 24 hours, even after having a "first round" of IV fluids)
This is our "Gift Baby" (well put!)and our little Miracle. Now, if we could only come up with a name......I have a girl name, but if it's a boy- he will be "Baby Boy"......LOL.
Any suggesstions???!!!???!!

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the Fall weather. In Atlanta, we don't really have "Fall", only summer and winter. Last week it was 30* and we had frost and today it's near 70*. How rediculous.

:)
hugs and love!
sarah

You don't have to be a poet

Amy,
I don't think you have to be a poet to say exactly what you said with the elegance in which you put it.

I think you said everything I was thinking.

I wish I was a poet so that I could describe my feelings with more elegance and grace.

I was moved to tears as I watched President-Elect Obama walk across the platform with his beautiful family. I was proud to be an American and proud of how far our country has come. I was proud to have taken part in the election and proud to have made my voice heard.

I am relieved that Obama has a reasonable plan to bring troops home from Iraq and that my former comrades in arms will once again be home with their families. I am relieved that my own family will be less likely to be rocked by a long separation.

I am excited that we can voice our opinions and change things for the better. I am excited that my children can see that everyone can accomplish great things regardless of their race or gender, that everyone is equal. I am excited that they can see that through hard work and perseverance they can achieve any goal.

The feeling above all others is hope. Hope for the future of America and the world. Hope for the oppressed, hope for the downtrodden. Hope for a better world for my children and my children's children.

Yes, VOTE!

but i am sure you all already are...

especially all you all swing state voters :)

xoxox

MaryStarr

VOTE

I just want to encourage everyone, regardless of political preference, to get out there and vote today.

Here are the kids, the cake we had, and myself. I love Halloween.

Happy Halloween!

Here are my boys all dressed up. We went to the local mall where Garrett made a killing and did really well! Then we came home and walked our street and Garrett made out like a bandit again! Very generous neighbors.

sick

oy. I have a brutal cold.  super sore throat and tired, and today I woke up with no voice and had to cancel my clients by text.  don't you just love having to cancel $300 worth of work?  sometimes i try to imagine what it would be like to work in a field where i had sick days or vacation days where i got paid anyways.  sort of like living in a world where i didn't have to pay an additional 15% in self employment taxes above the traditional income tax... impossible to imagine but fun to dream about.  but then i suppose i would have to work much longer hours for less money, and follow a set schedule, and deal with annoying boss people... so i guess everyone has their drawbacks and bonuses at their job, and the grass really isn't always greener, eh?

Sarah, wow, i didn't realize that you are considered high risk, although i did know that you were undergoing extensive fertility treatment to conceive.  That is good that you have such a close relationship with your ob, it think that is really what matters.  Especially since you have such extensive needs in prenatal care, and i am so glad you have a person you trust and respect.  I know you will do great and i am so happy for you that you have your "gift baby", and especially that we are pregnant together again!

For me, my experience with Ava was so frustrating because i was treated as high risk because of having gestational diabetes, but not given support or extra care really.... just given extra protocols and stern warnings about terrible possible outcomes like macrosomia and babies with diabetic shock and birth defects and shoulders too wide to be delivered.  My ob was an absolute prick in brooklyn, and his female partner was no better, he literally introduced himself to me as Dr. so and so but to matthew with his first name.  AWESOME.  They made me have 3x per week non stress tests for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and almost induced me because they were positive that they didn't see enough amniotic fluid in my 37th week.  The whole thing was infused with this sense of domination and panic, and i never got the sense from them ever that they cared at all about me personally.  Frankly, it seemed as though they only knew my name because they read it off their chart before coming in the door.  Then of course, I went into labor naturally, had a great labor with no complications (other than the nurses who kept trying to get me to lay on my back with a monitor on) and delivered a perfect 7lb 9oz baby girl.  So what was all the fricking fuss about?

Because i was brought up in a medical family, with a father who literally gave his very heart and soul to his practice and his patients, the idea of a doctor who doesn't really care for his patients is unholy to me.  If i had a doctor who i trusted to have my best interest at heart i wouldn't care so much about hospitals and tests.  But sadly those are few and far between these days, especially in urban areas.  Luckily, I found a midwife who i adore.  She is funny and kind and smart and she encourages me to listen to my instincts and my own abilities.  Because the truth is that i don't believe i am high risk, GD or not.  I feel ok about monitoring it myself and i feel good in the knowledge that my belief system is such that no matter what happens I will be ok, because i do truly believe that what happens is what is meant to happen.  Good or bad, happy or sad my karma is my karma.  I guess my pregnancy this time is about doing it my way.

love you all

happy halloween

MaryStarr

Happy Days

:)
Today has been a puke free day.....so far.....

Maigan- Yes, I did have problems getting pregnant. We've worked with an infertility specialist for 3 years. So this is a "premium" pregnancy, but really, just an amazing blessing. Unlike MaryStarr (lucky girl- you rock), I'm labeled high risk and in addidion to my regular OB, I also see the perinatal specialist. I have ultrasounds every 6 weeks or so. Because my son has a congenital heart defect, we also have to have special ultrasounds where they look at the baby's heart, so we can prepare if there is a problem.

I don't think I have gained any weight. Actually have lost some. But today I feel better. yesterday I was in the ER because I needed IV fluids and potassium supplements (my level was too low from throwing up so much).

The girls had their cheer competition last week. They are on different teams, but both teams (different age groups) placed First Place.
:)
They were so freaking cute. Ashley's team was Amazing with their stunts!!!! Riley's team was just cute.