it just figures...

well hell. i wrote a long, poignant response that was both heartfelt and witty and the blog wouldn't let me post it as a comment. reminds me of college when i accidentally erased my term paper three times. you would have thought that i would save it as i typed but no, i was an idiot. anyway, here is an abbreviated version of what i wrote- i am at peace with being pregnant again. i always wanted another child and i guess this is the gods' way of telling me the time is now. and i'm Irish catholic so we're used to packing them in tight :) i have not told anyone else yet (except for you ladies) since the timing has not been right. i think that i also had to come to terms with it before i could expect anyone else to. i am so lucky to have ya'll in my life. after 8yrs, i knew that i could count on you to understand. to be completely honest, i am not looking forward to my family's reaction. dan will probably stroke. well, that's a bit of an exaggeration. if we have our fourth girl, then he'll stroke. my mother will be quite surprised but has always been supportive. my sister and brother-in-law, though.... that's where the problems will start. it doesn't help that they have been disappointed and angry at every announcement. but after the initial shock, then they are quite supportive and loving. i think that it will help when i tell them that dan and i will be hiring a nanny. it has been getting too difficult to get babysitters for the 3 girls so 4 will be a monumental task. it's going to kill our finances but we'll find a way. it will also be nice to have someone that i know will be there every week without having to make a dozen phone calls and arrangements. again, i would like to thank you ladies for your support and love. we have been through a lot and have always been able to share our life experiences together. i appreciate our bond more than words can convey love kri

Upcoming Deployment

I haven't told many people this but Ron is deploying this summer. He will be somewhere in the middle east (if he knows he can't tell me yet) and should be gone for 6 months.

Already we are seeing problems with the kids. Theodore wouldn't give Ron a hug or kiss for about a month after we told him. Vivian cries a lot and we can't watch or listen to news while she is around because anything about that area upsets her. Samuel has been regressing, which is really tough since he has made terrific progress in the past year.

I have a hard time processing how they are handling it. I was born and raised with the military. I remember understanding that conflict anywhere in the world could mean Dad was gone for weeks to months (including not seeing him for 18 months in one go). I remember missing him, but not being really upset, scared, or even crying.

Their reactions are normal, especially since he last deployed almost 8 years ago (we consider it lucky how long it has been since the last one, the Air Guard is much better about it than the Army Guard). They don't remember it.

Their schools have been supportive and we have friends who are making it much easier. My job has been great too. I have been unable to get a regular babysitter so I can keep working and they have told me to just give them a call when I am ready to return and they will put me back to work.

This deployment is bothering me more than the last one. He was on an island off the Saudi coast last time and there was a lot of popular support for the military on it. This time we know he will be in the middle of the dessert, things are scary over there right now. I have had nightmares about people in their dress uniforms ringing my doorbell. I will say that actually having done the same job that he does makes me less scared than I would be since I know exactly what he'll be doing and what the job entails (he won't be on the front line with an M16).

....oh shit....

hello lovelies - i need some help and i'm not sure who i can talk to at this time. i think that i am pregnant again. i took a home test last night because my period is a few days late and it came up (+). fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i have not shared this with anyone and i really didn't think that i was pregnant. now i am trying to figure out what to do. many years ago (pre-kids) i had an abortion and i don't think that i can do that again. it's not that i don't want another child, it's just that factoring in another one is going to be tough. i burned up most of my overtime on maternity leave with carys. it's hard enough trying to get babysitters for 3 kids while working. i know my family is going to be so disappointed. i can already see the look on my sister's face and can imagine the lecture that is going to follow. overall, it's mainly the financial issue that is stressing me out. if i was rich and could hire babsitters and pay school tuitions without blood/sweat/tears, i would be chill right now. oh yeah, we also live in a 2 bedroom house. we are trying to pay off a loan so that we can renovate this house and add a 2nd floor but that is at least two years away. i spent several hours last night sitting alone on the porch thinking of ways to make/save money. do i have things to sell (old jewelry, furniture), should i start working 5 shifts a week, could we kill off dan's mother for his inheretance ? (just kidding, i love Ann- i'll just rob her instead). funny enough, the prospect of a 4th child doesn't scare me. once you have 3, you are so used to living and functioning in organized chaos that it is perfectly normal. but everything else ? that is scaring the hell out of me. this is mostly stream of conciousness writing so ignore all errors :) right now i just need a friend xoxo kri