guilt

yup. Ava has had such a hard with having a new sibling, although she seems to be on an upward cycle lately. It is nice to see them developing an independent relationship... sometimes I come upon her talking to him and it is so sweet and genuine, not like the frantic and intense way she does it when we are watching. I took her to see the musical south pacific last week, a special date just her and I. I realized it was the first time we had done something like that since Wilder was born. It was really fun. Amazing. She was like her old self again. You are right Kri, they just need time with us one on one.

One of my clients said to me this week, don't worry about the baby... as long as someone warm is holding them and they are fed and cuddled, it doesn't really matter who does it. Give your time to your older child. The baby will not remember this time, but your older child will. They will always remember, and they need you more personally. That really struck me. Because we have this inclination to think that our baby won't bond to us or whatever if we let someone else care for them sometimes, but they will. I am planning to have a special date with Ava every week now. She said "Mama, I have a great idea! We should have a date every week, just you and I, where we go out and do something REALLY fun... like see a play or a dance performance or go to a museum." Bowl me over, ain't she ever my girl?

Amy, what you are facing as a parent is an incredible challenge. You are doing a great job at the hardest job in the world. My nephew, who is adopted from ethiopia, has a number of challenges (behavioral, motor, developmental) that seem to be very clearly placing him on the autism spectrum. He has other issues too, with agression and behavioral/psychological stuff that is not just from the spectrum disorder, but it is such a hard road for my sister and her family. They are loving and great as parents, but this has challenged them tremendously. My other nephew said to Ava the other day 'it's nice to have a cousin who's normal. I wish my brother were normal like you'. Its awful but it's how he really feels sometimes. When you wrote what Vivian said about Samuel it just sounded so resonant of that same feeling. I wish I had some advice to offer, but I think you are doing everything the best you possibly can. Just questioning yourself and looking deeper at how you can handle things better and see Vivian more and give her more attention are signs that you are doing the best you can. I am sending you my love. You ever and always impress me, my friend.

xo

MaryStarr